that is how I feel. so many complicated things and so many complicated feelings.
Also. I should start taking best friend applications. I could really use one of those.
There’s so much I want right now and I don’t know how to get there. What am I supposed to do? I hate this. I feel so stuck.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.”
Throw up on the job, you feel bad and just wait it out with them. When your boyfriend is in the Air Force, his job is a Loadmaster, and he throws up on the job, you feel bad that he didn’t feel well and then you proceed to stress out in your own mind that he’s going to lose his job and come back home and your life plan may change a lot. Asdfghjkl.
JT will tell me things and I automatically go into worst-case scenario mode. Like what if he lost his job in the Air Force? And had to move back to Minnesota with his parents?
I hate to say it, but a little part of me sometimes wishes for that. Because I’m selfish and I want him to myself and I hate sharing him with the Air Force. But I know he’s doing something he loves and he would be so unhappy being here and not living his dream or loving what he does. I just want him here, damnit. Or I want to be there. Fuck.
Why some people get so upset when the toilet seat is left up. Maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s just because I rarely get to see him so I don’t have time to complain about the small stuff. This weekend, seeing that toilet seat up made me smile every single time, because it’s almost like a glimpse into his life. He doesn’t live with me - he lives in a building with a ton of other guys, sharing his room with another guy and his bathroom with two more. Putting the toilet seat down is for taking a shit, not to please the women. I don’t know… What am I even trying to say.
was telling me about her diet and how much weight she wants to loose and such… it’s stressing me out. because she does NOT need to lose weight. I understand gaining muscle tone, but what she was talking about did NOT sound healthy and I don’t feel like I’m close enough to her to say “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” so I just told her what I think the most effective way is (eating good foods and exercising). Poor thing. I just want to tuck her under my (metaphorical) wing and shield her from the people and world that made her think this way. It makes my heart hurt.
The sound of the train horn and whatever else was outside was not creating a happy noise. Dissonance. Fabulous.
Such a complicated emotion.